What is the difference between proper etiquette and good manners? Not much, judging by how interchangeably those phrases are used on the Internet and beyond. That’s at the cost of an important distinction. Etiquette prescribes established behavior in social situations and entails the use of various implements, rites and rules. Manners are another kettle of fish—or pot of tea.
Picture a genteel American tea party circa 1785, where one partook of the costly, fragrant beverage from a deep saucer. The cup, of course, was set neatly apart on a small plate. Etiquette guided the hostess to pour the cup, and the guest to transfer the hot liquid to the saucer before drinking. Being mindful of manners, one would then sip rather than slurp.
The ritual is long passé, along with the saucer by and large, but most Americans still mind their manners when eating and drinking at any formal gathering. It’s not just about which pieces of porcelain to use and how. It’s about respecting other people and bringing honor to a shared occasion.
Respect. Honor. What quaint notions these may seem in the era of grab-it-and-go. Still, it is often in the small things that one may sense the ethical well-being of a people. When we act from guiding values that demonstrate commitment to others, the result is palpable warm feelings. And when we do not, the absence makes a powerful statement of its own.
Let’s get down to cases, with two examples of missing-in-action values from the cultural setting of Portland, Oregon circa 2011. Each relates to the same cup-and-lip social phenomenon—the slip between an expressed intention and an actual behavior. Each is also about how well we honor and respect our relationships.
First, we have the curious matter of the business networking luncheon. The hostess books a private space in a good restaurant, reserves time on her calendar, arrives early, and has handouts ready for her facilitation of the event. The restaurant delegates two servers, and is prepared to handle a large onset of orders that will offset the cost of providing the room.
People sign up at an online site for the micro-entrepreneur community, through a system that allows easy cancellation. It’s a popular venue, so the limit of 16 guests is reached more than a week ahead of time. Nine people including the hostess attend.
Second, we have the even more curious case of the annual holiday-season gathering to celebrate the contributions of a large group of dedicated volunteers. Staff members of the organization set aside a weekend day they might otherwise spend with their families, organize all the gear and decorations for the festivities, and when the confirmed guest list surpasses a hundred contact the caterer to substantially increase the original food order. Sixty-five guests actually appear.
Are the no-shows in these case studies exhibiting a failure of etiquette, or of manners? Etiquette books stretching back to the time of Gutenberg would concur that when unable to enjoy hospitality that has been proffered and accepted, the right thing to do is to let the giver know if you will not be there.
Perhaps, though, the etiquette of the age of print is now as passé as sipping tea from a saucer. People are so busy, and things just come up, don’t they? Leaving a voice mail, sending an apologetic email or going online to click “cancel” takes time, and who has enough of that anymore?
Certainly, there’s not a moment to spare for thinking of the cost to a restaurant and the personal investment of a hostess, much less to consider how someone else would gladly have taken that seat at the networking event. And who would pause to imagine how many pounds of jerked pork will return to the catering truck, or how subdued the staff members will be as they clear away the detritus of what was, after all, a beautiful party.
In the end, good manners come down to how well people treat other people. Respect. Honor. Perhaps that’s too weighty a pair of words when merely our relationships are at stake. Let’s try these: Common courtesy.
